Twenty Years Since...

Tried to write about that day so many times
Cried in fright into the grey, then the rhymes
Avalanched from my thumbs, wanting to
Pound my fist into my own brain

For I deplore the disdain contained
And conditioned within me

I am not the same person I was
Twenty years ago, but the pain lingers

Middle fingers are what stigma feels like
Constant reminders that I lost myself
Punchlines made out of my fall from grace

No idea whether I’m worse for ware
Too many struggles since then
Too many muggles smoked when
Pills weren’t enough to sustain me

Every time I enter the room
I am that dark stranger with a past
Park ranger of a land unseen
Untraversed, devoid of footprints

Prince of darkness within my mind
I’ve tried for twenty years to purge it
Imbibed many beers, I just scourge it

Knowing I was not born to suffer
Not my birthright to run into the same

Pitfalls time and time again with those
Without my best interest at heart

To be taken for granted, to be abused
To be hanging from the balance
Like I did when I could have died

And here I am writing out my sorrow
And my trauma wondering if
This poem will end abruptly
In the same way I could have

Ended this life
Ended these voices
Ended these mood swings
Ended this paranoia
Ended this rage

With a Long Island Iced Tea
Packed in a thermos

But this poem needs to end smoothly
This life I’m living needs to conclude
Without interrupting my pulse

And every damn day I struggle
Not to repeat my mistakes
So I don’t end up somewhere
Authorities claim is safe for me

What is safety but protecting the public
Instead of protecting you from derision?

I could count every finger on my right hand
Tallying how many times I wanted to die

I could count every toe on my left foot
Tallying how many times I survived

The song “Born To Be Alive” plays
All the while wondering if I was

Born to simply survive the constant
War I fight with my nervous system
Battling intrusive thoughts daily

They say a tornado is supposed to sound
Like a runaway train and I hope the next
Two decades don’t place me
In front of cyclonic winds
Regardless of the power they have
To dry these suppressed tears