Ice Attack

Named within the prose:

CELEBRAS TIWARI – Intergalactic business magnate and owner of Tiwari Morplex. GRETCHEN RUBIN – One of the lead representatives of The United Planets. VALENTINA PAGANI – Italy’s representative for Earth’s board in The United Planets. HÖTTE – Twin sister of Kald. KALD – Twin sister of Hötte. CELIA PROVE – News Anchor for Soler News. LORD JASTRIX – Leader of the Xylites. JAKATLA – A Xylite and friend of Tiwari. COLD COMMANDER PIERCEFOUL – Kald’s most trusted. ENZO STROMBOLI – Event Commentator and supposedly Pagani’s fancy. ERNEST LAMBERGAMBER – Wealthy businessman and owner of the sports car company of the same name. MORTICIAN MORTICIA – Practising mortician and associate of Celia Prove.

***

“You did it because you could, and because you could, you had to.”

***

WAR. Such is the threat being expected by the United Planets. The Twin Lords of the planet Inverna have come to a disagreement that could mean ruin for the neighbouring

systems. Taking means into her own hands, intergalactic business magnate Celebras Tiwari has reached out to both sisters individually so as to propose means towards a peaceful resolution. The solution, though, is none too promising.

***

AUGUST 23, 2064, TIWARI SPACE, TIWARI MORPLEX “Cel you silly goose! What did you do?!” Barging in to her suite all uncivil-like was Gretchen Rubin. Tiwari, all unbothered and such by her entrance, lay deep into her bubble bath with a stylish virtual reality headset. “Oh. Oh wait that’s actually-” and by this point she’d slid them off, “hi, Rubin.” Cel met her eyes, and saw that she looked hopeless. “Oh well what’s the matter? I was hoping for some good news right about now.” Oh this one… I really can’t with this one. “Good? Cel, now don’t lie to me. What did you do?” She sounded miserably defeated. “Do you know what you did?” “Mm… what are we talking about? The ship? The twins? Or the leak?” “The what?!” “Oh I said nothing. What were you referring to?” “Earth, Celebras! You’re bringing the twins to Earth?! Who told you to do that?!” Gosh I’ve never seen her so red. “Well, I just thought you know… if all of you were just going to panic over nothing, I’d get them to agree to at least do something somewhat right.” Cel felt herself very proud about what she was saying, and yet Gretchen still stood there like an inanimate object. “And that is?” I swear sometimes these people. “A tennis match.” When she said it, Gretchen looked at her as though the world fell. Rubin’s voice deepened a few decibels. “What the hell do they know about tennis, Cel?” “They said they knew what it was! Don’t act like that was the first thing I suggested to them. Swimming was off the table, for obvious reasons… and the blue one was all like ‘Ya ya, what about that game with the… the ball?’ and then I said ‘Oh you mean tennis!’ and she nodded so I thought we were good.” By this point, Gretchen was disgusted with Cel. “Do you know what you’ve done Celebras?” “I’ve helped! And that’s more than any of you ever do!” The nerve of this woman! “Look if you want to call it off then call it off, but don’t say that I never do anything! It’s just offensive.”

“Call it off? How can you call if off?!” “Well hell don’t get all worked up. We planned this for like next week.” “Cel, they’re coming tomorrow.” Oh. “Bullshit.” And by that point, Gretchen’s worry seemed to dissipate, and she really looked at Cel more so than before. She’d begun to actually realise just who was in front of her, and what she was seeing – this sight of a girl with all the money in the world, inside a complex spanning starships, and yet somehow she was the one with enough power to convince those two idiots to hopefully make up after a stupid game. “I get it. I get it now.” Cel didn’t say a thing. “You’re a clown. Like actually. You don’t think about what happens when you do something. You just hope the world fixes itself around you.” “Hey wait now hold on.” “Save it. You never say anything good anyway. We’ll fix this.” Having said this, Gretchen turned to leave with all the hurry in the world. With the same hurry, Cel emerged bothered and almost half-naked out of the bath, flailing her arm in the air as though Rubin hadn’t meant what she said. “Hold on don’t screw this up Gretchen! I mean it! Let me he-” and she slipped on her own soapy feet.

*** AUGUST 24, 2064, SOVEREIGN SPACE, EARTH Valentina Pagani, lead representative of the Italian Embassy, had found herself once again wrangled by the masses as a favour for Rubin. Once Celia Prove had announced the whole mess on Soler News, a violent horde had thrown themselves at the doors of poor Pagani. Gretchen, of course, was disassociating in the back, smoking a tiny cigarette so slowly you’d think it wouldn’t end. “Please, please. I know you’re all concerned, but you shouldn’t be.” Nothing was helping. “You’re only doing this here because they told you not to do it at Zerial Bay!” a voice shouted, and Pagani could see an array of threatening tomatoes waiting to be flung towards her. “The United Planets are on our side I assure you. Gretchen Rubin has personally decided to oversee the smooth running of the match.”

“Rubin… and where’s she huh? Pomodoro per la giustizia!” But Valentina, Val was a fast one when it came to these things. By the time she heard ‘Pom’ she’d already barricaded herself within the embassy.

It took, very taxingly, a great deal for her to remain composed and not unleash an onslaught onto Gretchen. “You… we need to fix this. I- I don’t know what we’re going to do by the next four hours.” Of course, she referenced this exact time period knowing the twins to be arriving at 12 o’clock sharp.

“Three hours, Val.” Gretchen stated plainly.

“Come again?”

“Yeah… yeah I know. Apparently due to the time differences in Inverna, the Inferno and the Snowstorm will be docking at around eleven.” Gretchen delivered the news numbly, not taking notice that Pagani had withered in colour at what she’d just been told.

She quivered as she spoke, and trembled as she neared her. “What- wait no what do you mean you said… and I quote ‘the Twin Lords only’, you didn’t say anything about the whole fleets.”

Gretchen was unmoved by Val’s distress. “You didn’t really think they’d come alone, did you? And on what? It’s fine.”

“Nothing’s fine.”

“You have the colosseum still open as planned?”

“Yes.”

“Then it’s fine. Besides, it’s not like we can do anything else now. We play Tiwari’s game, that’s all. It goes well, then swell. If it doesn’t, then I guess we had a good run, I don’t know. It’s not like they’re going to kill us. Their quarrels are with each other.” Yet as she spoke, and said out loud what she’d been reasoning so as to calm herself, Rubin started to feel unconvinced by her own thoughts. She’d never met the Invernians personally. “Although,” and she quietened herself quite a bit before continuing, “I normally don’t suggest this, but if you could somehow get into contact with Lord Jastrix…”

Valentina knew what she was getting at, and she was appalled. “You really think it could go that badly?”

“Just in case, you know? Just in case.” If ever Gretchen wanted not to stoke Val’s paranoia, this was a most monumental blunder to that effort.

The hours passed in minutes, and Gretchen Rubin, alongside Valentina Pagani, found themselves stationed onto Italy’s spacecraft docking platform awaiting the arrival of the twins. Of course, they weren’t the first to arrive. Rudely unannounced, Cel had popped by on a little mini star cruiser and came down all quick-like and excited.

“Gretchen! Gretchen!” She yelled, and Rubin wanted only to choke her in that moment. “I’m so glad you agreed to go through with this. It’ll be swell, trust me. I’ve done business with them plenty of times. This should be no different.”

“Aha. Nice Cel.” That’s all Gretchen could bring herself to say. Any more and she might outright break into strangling the Glowlyfe.

“Pagani,” Cel turned to her. “Got my tix?”

What? “Ah.” There and then Val pulled something out of her pocket. “Yes, two front seats. Central.”

“Mhm hm, that’s the one. Neat. I invited Jakatla to come with, you know? Poor girl… with that whole thing that happened to her, I thought this might help her clear her mind.”

“How thoughtful.”

“Yeah, I know. Anyway,” Tiwari’s goggles blinked red but for a moment. “They’re coming. Break a leg guys!” And she hopscotched like a little girl over to Jakatla waiting for her. “You’ll do great!”

“Val.”

“Rubin.”

“I think one day I will strangle that girl.”

“What?” Pagani couldn’t hear her. Not then, when the two starships came down rupturing the peace and quiet of all towns in a near hundred-mile radius.

This is it.

Rubin and Pagani froze. With smiles plastered so neatly onto their faces, one would hardly have taken them for horrified. They awaited each twin with feelings even they couldn’t outright discern for themselves.

First there was the red one, Hötte. When Gretchen laid eyes on her, it occurred to her that until now she hadn’t quite considered what she would look like. If anything, and with how mortified she was in anticipation of the meeting, perhaps she would have assumed her an

ominous creature. But no, not at all. Hötte was beautiful, like carved stone on porcelain flesh, draped in an ephemeral aura of dress-lined smoke. She was, amusingly, especially tall, and wherever she stepped turned to ash, and then back again to what it had been rather slowly.

“Lord Hötte, it’s our pleasure to have you.” Gretchen bowed, extending her hand.

To this, the lady of fire giggled little embers. “I don’t think that is such a good idea Miss Rubin. I might burn you, no?”

She wasn’t expecting it, but Hötte’s voice had a Swedish thickness to it. It caught Gretchen offguard. “Ah yes!” and she laughed, half-embarrassed, half-torn about what she thought of the first twin.

Hötte was accompanied by no one in particular, and perhaps that wasn’t to her advantage. There was a lapse of silence after initial greetings, and the Lord of Fire looked at Gretchen, then to Valentina, then back to Gretchen with this awkward smile. “I- whereabouts should I go? I’m not too familiar…”

“Ah! No, of course. Please please I apologise…” and Gretchen’s head darted like a compass needle all round. My God, there’s no one. “Down the right.” She motioned to a staircase an embarrassingly long way away.

“Mm…” Hötte tried her best to not seem displeased. “Maybe I go down with both of you… or… when you go down?”

“If you’d like.” Gretchen didn’t mind. Something about the cordiality of the fire lady made her rethink the whole situation in a more hopeful light. Val pinched her.

“She’s coming now.” It was meant to be a whisper, but Hötte heard her.

Kald. Cold Lord and twin sister of Hötte descended from the steps of the Snowstorm alongside her second, Cold Commander Piercefoul. Hötte made out her sister’s visage, and discerned with what attitude she was approaching. Quickly, and before Rubin or Pagani could say anything, she turned back to both of them, smiled, and assured them that “I’ll just go where you said. This way? Yes? Yes. Thank you!”

“Why the-” Val didn’t have a chance to register what had just happened.

Oh this is going to go well.

Kald looked, and was, nothing like her sister. Hötte’s gaseous-like, flowing body opposed directly the short and solid stature of little sister. When Gretchen had come close to greet the blue one, she’d noticed her distinct, rude look. Kald’s eyes were the shade of a concerning crimson. Rubin had extended her hand all cordial-like, and Kald returned the

gesture with the nastiest slap to the face. Val didn’t even notice it happen at first. The Cold Lord had a mean left hook, leaving Gretchen slurring her greetings, and falling to the floor unconscious. “What’s wrong with her?!” Kald demanded. Her voice was surprisingly deep.

Pagani didn’t know what to say. She was speechless. There and then she laid her eyes on Gretchen like a ragdoll on the floor, her cheek hardened and marked by a pearl-white handprint. Oh what the f- Four rapid finger snaps, glitter pouring out from between the fingers. “Are you deaf? Why is she on the floor?” Val looked up. Kald, Piercefoul… it wasn’t great company. Given the circumstances, she almost overthought what best to say. “Oh. No she does that. You’ll have to forgive my… uh… assistant.” “It’s good to know, ya? That the one in charge isn’t as incompetent.” Valentina nodded, her eyes darting – Kald, Piercefoul, Gretchen on the floor, then back to Piercefoul because he had spikes on his helmet like why does he have spikes on his helmet, then back to Kald… and then realising Gretchen was on the floor. “Actually,” and for a moment it seemed Val would gain some courage, “why did you slap her?” “She come to do the same, no? It is basic human greeting, Tiwari told me.” Oh well that’s one way to put it. “Yes. Yes I guess so… well not quite.” Before Val could elaborate, Kald shut her up by raising her hand. “Piercefoul,” she called to him, and this gigantic behemoth hunched himself down very uncomfortably to hear what she had to say. “Why is this… wait what is your name?” “Valentina Pagani.”

“Why is Valentina Pagani wasting our time? Why is she wasting my time? I come to throw ball onto my sister and she wastes my time on this platform. Very bad, yes? No? Yes or no?” It didn’t take long for Val to realise that this big frozen brute wasn’t necessarily a man of many words. Either way it didn’t matter what she said. They left, and she left… with Rubin. She had to carry her husk down to their penthouse. She took about an hour to defrost. “It’s over for us, isn’t it?” Gretchen puffed a cig. I mean we got like a day more. I’ll tell you what I’m glad they postponed it.” As if that matters. “What are interspatial grants like for asylum seekers?” “For twelve billion people?” “Oh hell what do you know anyway? I bet you’ve never even left Italy.” What? Val was stunned. “Why are you being so rude all of a sudden?” Gretchen didn’t answer. She merely waved her hand a bit to get Pagani to stop talking. “Are you gonna call him?” And by him, Val was referring to Jastrix. She asked it very quietly, almost ashamed. Gretchen didn’t look her in the eyes. Her gaze dazed off at the soothing moonlit beach close by. And that’s fucked too. “I’m working up to it.” It’s not that neither of them particularly liked each other. More so really it was just that both were too agitated to deal with each other’s stress. But hell, one had to bite. “Val.” “Rubin.” “What was your impression of Kald?” Pagani shook her head, her eyes blank and face flat. “She’s a cold motherfucker.” Val agreed. She nodded her head too. “She’s got a mean left hook.” “Shut up. You probably wouldn’t stand up if she did that to you.”

“You didn’t, though.”

Now then. Now Gretchen eyed her. “Point taken… so what is it then? Who’d you put as host?” “Yes. Enzo Stromboli. I heard Lambergamber is sponsoring the event.” “Jesus Christ.” “And Prove’s got it on the news.” “Yeah… no, yeah she would. She would do that there’s no surprise there.”

***

“Enzo Stromboli had a few words to say for the event, didn’t he Prove?” “Mm that’s right. Play the recording!” A mountain man with thin moustache appeared in comically pursed and neatened tux. “Oh mio Dio, questo è lo spettacolo perfetto al mondo, sto sanguinando dall'anticipazione, sì sì! Sento il bisogno del vulcano dentro di me che sta per RUPTURARE DI NUOVO sul palcoscenico di questo sport sensazionale! Gli Inverniani, sì sì sì! Caldo contro Freddo! NO! Hotty? Hotty contro Kald! Oh mio Dio, si sono persino nominati correttamente. Oh. Mio. Dio. Sono sbalordito. Iniziamo, iniziamo!” “Uomo dolce!” Val spouted, having taken her seat with grimpiss right beside her. She noticed Gretchen giving her the stink eye. “What?” “Nothing.” Gretchen couldn’t understand her. She’d made her hair in these weird ribbon loops which were more elaborate than normal. But then she saw Cel all chill and smug in the premiere seats of the arena. She’d maul that one. Gretchen saw Hötte and Kald. Kald had this strange looking racquet which glittered at every slight movement. She had first throw, all equipped with tennis clothes and a ball she threw up and down repeatedly. Opposite the arena there was Piercefoul, and sat by him was some weird looking girl with both hot and cold elements about her. She was going to ask Pagani if she knew who she was, but she got distracted. Stromboli’s voice boomed at every toss and leap and jab. “I hate you!” said Kald. “I’m not your enemy, my sister!” said Hötte. It was a tragic back-and-forth. Or at least that’s how Gretchen saw it. It didn’t really matter anymore. She’d made up her mind.

No matter what happened, the views of Prove went up. Hell at one point even a pigeon came into view of Prove’s streaming camera and that quadrupled the channel’s profit. Her views went even higher the day after. “And he was crying, no? I still can’t believe it.” “Mortician Morticia confirmed it. Kald’s toast and Hötte’s out cold. They’re both dead.” “Jastrix’s little gun, huh? Wiped out that whole planet… you know I really thought no one would do it. Didn’t they say it might affect some spatial radiation or something?” “Come on, Prove. It’s been done before. But did you see Hötte’s face when her sister wobbled onto the floor?” “We have a close up don’t we?” The numbers boomed. “Yeah pull it up pull it up. It’s that one.”